Possible Asshole Sighting?

So, the boy and I drive through downtown Wickford on a whim, and pass right through this kind of thing.



Apparently, an independent film was being... filmed. The boy graciously put up with me standing around until someone said "action" and we could figure out if there were any famous people. We heard some girls cooing about "getting a picture with Stephen" and were calling their friends to squeal "guess who I just met!" and "I got an autograph for you!" Stephen who? I didn't see any familiar faces. I finally overheard some sane people telling some bystanders that it was just some girl from the Disney Channel and that guy from Laguna Beach.





So, why does this guy have an acting career? And why are people excited about meeting him? My boy and I were really hoping it was a scene for Underdog, which is currently filming in Providence- I would be way more excited about meeting Jim Belushi and Samantha Bee than some rich kid from MTV. Am I the only one thoroughly shocked that people still watch MTV? I can't stay on the channel for more than a minute without wanting to kill myself. It reeks of assholedom. Gosh, every program is just so contrived and bad. Of course, I suppose the MTV audience is largely shallow fourteen years old, so they actually relate to the fakery. I really pray, however, that MTV receives a largely ironic audience. You know, people like Anderson Cooper, who watch "My Super Sweet Sixteen" and laugh and wonder what is wrong with these people? I'd prefer the shit just go off of the air, but perhaps MTV has developed into a system for some people, to check themselves against. Perhaps it's not watched with interest, but for the sake of stepping back, reflecting on themselves and making sure they're not that wrapped up in themselves and consumer culture yet.

Slightly related story time: I'm proud to say I have personally ruined shots for MTV. One of my high school friends was being filmed for the cheerleading series of MADE, and the crew told her that she had to sit at a big lunch table with a lot of people, so she invited me over. Just-so-happened to be the first day of the eleventh grade, and I was wearing a bright green dress and fairy wings for the occasion. While they faked a scene in which her trainer called her on "her" cell phone (banned in school) to wish her good luck, I decided to chew with my mouth open.

Anyway, what was my point? Sorry if this has just been a tired rant. I hate Laguna Beach. Way to diminish my faith in the youth of America. Stay away from New England.

WHA?!?!?!!?

QUESTION: Who is this?????????










ANSWER: Kevin motherfucking Federline. FOR REALS!!!

Inanimate objects can be assholes, too, kind of

Inanimate objects aren't assholes, people are assholes. But inanimate objects can be guilty by association.

I FUCKING HATE BOOST MOBILE WALKIE TALKIE CHIRP PHONES.

You get the idea.

As if cell phones weren't annoying enough already, with all the ring tones and networks and people talking very loudly about turkey in the grocery store. But no, Boost fucking Mobile had to take it to the next level, just when you thought that we were already on the top level of fucking annoyingness, and make cell phones that much more goddamn annoying. I see kids walk around with these phones, and all I can hear all damn day is "chirp! BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH" "chirp! BLAHBLAHBLAH" ALL. GODDAMN. DAY. It's like, a walkie talkie, but it makes unecessary noise in the form of "chirp! chirp! chmotherfuckingirp!", and makes people talk louder in conversation, as if they didn't already talk loud on cell phones. And the commercials are stupid too. "If Fat Joe didn't have Boost Mobile, he would have not heard about this concert, and then he would have been a pet psychic, but lucky for us, he got Boost Mobile!" These commercials are mind-bogglingly impossible for several reasons:
a. Boost Mobile did not exist when Fat Joe, or whoever, was a child, in fact, I am pretty sure that cell phones in general barely existed, let alone annoying as hell walkie talkie cell phone bullshit.
b. If Fat Joe's friend wanted him to go to some rap concert so bad, couldn't he have called Fat Joe on his home phone? Or, better yet, come and found him at, like, his house?
c. The fact that Fat Joe supposedly had Boost Mobile is not lucky for us. I mean, really, would the world be worse off if the man who "wrote" "Lean Back" became a pet psychic rather than a rap artist? Please.

The point is, I hate those phones. I hate "Unlimited Chirp". The idea makes me shiver. Unlimited chirp. Eugh. This entry is dedicated to the company that owns Boost Mobile, Boost Mobile, Boost Mobile phones, and anyone who uses Boost Mobile phones. I hate you all.

Quite possibly my favorite asshole of all time

I don't know who out there atill watches America's Next Top Model, but this season was awesome, and I have discovered my favorite TV asshole of all time. Jade, obvs.

Just watch and see for yourself.

This was Jade's cover girl commercial. Beautiful, wonderful, fabulous, obv.


Obviously, besides being a great commerical personality, Jade is also an accomplished poetess, as is evident:


She's a true poetess. She doesn't even need to use real words. Psht, she is so not even on the English Language's Level.

Useless pieces of shit

At a glance: why are these people famous?


Until he realizes that just because his dad is an oil tycoon doesn't mean he has to bathe in oil. I know rich brats have expensive taste but come the fuck on.

(Although, calling Lindsay a fire crotch mildly amused me; I'm not going to lie)


Done.


Really, though, why is she famous? For being Paris' former BFF? For whittling her body down to literally a lollypop shape? I don't get it.


No, nude pictures and a voiceless role in Sky Captain don't count.


Just...why? Why, god, why? I really don't get it.

Any other suggestions?

Happy Belated Mother's Day.

Mother: Can you answer me a question?
Myself: What's that?
Mother: Why do girls go wild over Ryan Seacrest?
Myself: Search me.
Mother: I mean, bleugh.

I love you, mom.

Why, Jason?

I thought we had something, Jason. I loved you through Sim1one and Bewitched, and that is truly a love that will never die. I will always love you, Jason, but I think our nonexistent relationship can't work if you keep this asshole like appearrance up:



I love you, but with the beard: total asshole. You are not a hobo or jesus or Charles Mason. Shave it the fuck off.

Love,
D. Wils

Paris Hilton: Actually, LITERALLY, has the face of an asshole

I don't care if Paris Hilton brings American endless hours or minutes of amusement. Paris Hilton is the reason things like natural selection were created.



Why is she famous? Why? She has absolutely no talent whatsoever. She's done a lot of stuff -- modeling, designing, acting, singing, writing -- but only because she can. If she were born without her millions, she would probably be washing my dishes. The thought is amazing.

But we all know this already. Who doesn't know that Paris is only famous because she's a rich whore?

I remember one day, maybe a few years ago, and I was watching Oprah. I remember because Paris Hilton, Ms. Custy McStankAss herself, was on. I was like, WTF, what is this skank doing on my television? And all I remember was Oprah interviewing her, and she said something along the lines of, "This is America, and it's a place of opportunity. If you work hard you can do anything you want. All you have to do is keep on working, and someday you'll get what you want." HAHAHAHAHAHA PARIS. I love how she says this, and yet, I doubt she's even broken a sweat in her whole life except in that sex video of hers. She never worked for those massive designer bags and watches, and NO I don't count runway walking as working. I fucking runway walk in my living room all the time, and I kick ass, but do I see a Dooney and Bourke bag on my front doorstep? No.

I am a hopeful future struggling filmmaker. If I woke up tomorrow and I was like, "I want to make a movie TODAY", there is no chance I could. But if Paris woke up tommorrow and was like, "I want to make a movie", she'd own Paramount by noon. Not because she works hard but because she has a fortune at her fingertips. Of course I'm jealous, and if I were in her shoes, I'd probably be a spoiled whore, too. I would also be an asshole, just like she is.

I also had the misfortune of reading her book. Not on puropse, exactly. I have this friend who, unfortunately, is a rabid fan of Paris (and a guy) and he has the book. I can say this honestly: It SUUUUCKS. All the reviews on the book said it was witty and dryly sarcastic. How much did Paris pay these critics off? The book is genuinely terrible. It's all "A real heiress wears any colors she wants. She should wear something she looks good in and she knows will grab attention. My favorite colors are pink and blue. But not black. Anything but black. Anyone who wears black is boring. How boring." SERIOUSLY, the WHOLE GODDAMN BOOK is like that. SOB.

How can we stop her? I know: stop giving her attention. I know this post bascially defeats the purpose of it, but after this I will never speak the name Paris again. We need to stop taking pictures of her, writing about her, and reporting on her stupid, stupid life. She's a useless human being with nothing to offer. Fame should be reserved for those with talent, and Paris is a waste of the air she breathes. I would tell her this:



But she probably would.

And did anyone see her Birthday song to Hugh Heffner?



Useless, I tell you. What an asshole.