Congratulations, you're an asshole.

Possible Asshole Sighting?

2006-06-06T10:54:00.000-07:00

So, the boy and I drive through downtown Wickford on a whim, and pass right through this kind of thing.

Apparently, an independent film was being... filmed. The boy graciously put up with me standing around until someone said "action" and we could figure out if there were any famous people. We heard some girls cooing about "getting a picture with Stephen" and were calling their friends to squeal "guess who I just met!" and "I got an autograph for you!" Stephen who? I didn't see any familiar faces. I finally overheard some sane people telling some bystanders that it was just some girl from the Disney Channel and that guy from Laguna Beach.

So, why does this guy have an acting career? And why are people excited about meeting him? My boy and I were really hoping it was a scene for Underdog, which is currently filming in Providence- I would be way more excited about meeting Jim Belushi and Samantha Bee than some rich kid from MTV. Am I the only one thoroughly shocked that people still watch MTV? I can't stay on the channel for more than a minute without wanting to kill myself. It reeks of assholedom. Gosh, every program is just so contrived and bad. Of course, I suppose the MTV audience is largely shallow fourteen years old, so they actually relate to the fakery. I really pray, however, that MTV receives a largely ironic audience. You know, people like Anderson Cooper, who watch "My Super Sweet Sixteen" and laugh and wonder what is wrong with these people? I'd prefer the shit just go off of the air, but perhaps MTV has developed into a system for some people, to check themselves against. Perhaps it's not watched with interest, but for the sake of stepping back, reflecting on themselves and making sure they're not that wrapped up in themselves and consumer culture yet.

Slightly related story time: I'm proud to say I have personally ruined shots for MTV. One of my high school friends was being filmed for the cheerleading series of MADE, and the crew told her that she had to sit at a big lunch table with a lot of people, so she invited me over. Just-so-happened to be the first day of the eleventh grade, and I was wearing a bright green dress and fairy wings for the occasion. While they faked a scene in which her trainer called her on "her" cell phone (banned in school) to wish her good luck, I decided to chew with my mouth open.

Anyway, what was my point? Sorry if this has just been a tired rant. I hate Laguna Beach. Way to diminish my faith in the youth of America. Stay away from New England.

WHA?!?!?!!?

2006-06-01T12:08:00.003-07:00

QUESTION: Who is this?????????

ANSWER: Kevin motherfucking Federline. FOR REALS!!!

Inanimate objects can be assholes, too, kind of

2006-05-31T11:24:00.000-07:00

Inanimate objects aren't assholes, people are assholes. But inanimate objects can be guilty by association.

I FUCKING HATE BOOST MOBILE WALKIE TALKIE CHIRP PHONES.

You get the idea.

As if cell phones weren't annoying enough already, with all the ring tones and networks and people talking very loudly about turkey in the grocery store. But no, Boost fucking Mobile had to take it to the next level, just when you thought that we were already on the top level of fucking annoyingness, and make cell phones that much more goddamn annoying. I see kids walk around with these phones, and all I can hear all damn day is "chirp! BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH" "chirp! BLAHBLAHBLAH" ALL. GODDAMN. DAY. It's like, a walkie talkie, but it makes unecessary noise in the form of "chirp! chirp! chmotherfuckingirp!", and makes people talk louder in conversation, as if they didn't already talk loud on cell phones. And the commercials are stupid too. "If Fat Joe didn't have Boost Mobile, he would have not heard about this concert, and then he would have been a pet psychic, but lucky for us, he got Boost Mobile!" These commercials are mind-bogglingly impossible for several reasons:
a. Boost Mobile did not exist when Fat Joe, or whoever, was a child, in fact, I am pretty sure that cell phones in general barely existed, let alone annoying as hell walkie talkie cell phone bullshit.
b. If Fat Joe's friend wanted him to go to some rap concert so bad, couldn't he have called Fat Joe on his home phone? Or, better yet, come and found him at, like, his house?
c. The fact that Fat Joe supposedly had Boost Mobile is not lucky for us. I mean, really, would the world be worse off if the man who "wrote" "Lean Back" became a pet psychic rather than a rap artist? Please.

The point is, I hate those phones. I hate "Unlimited Chirp". The idea makes me shiver. Unlimited chirp. Eugh. This entry is dedicated to the company that owns Boost Mobile, Boost Mobile, Boost Mobile phones, and anyone who uses Boost Mobile phones. I hate you all.

Quite possibly my favorite asshole of all time

2006-05-22T13:56:00.000-07:00

I don't know who out there atill watches America's Next Top Model, but this season was awesome, and I have discovered my favorite TV asshole of all time. Jade, obvs.

Just watch and see for yourself.

This was Jade's cover girl commercial. Beautiful, wonderful, fabulous, obv.

Obviously, besides being a great commerical personality, Jade is also an accomplished poetess, as is evident:

She's a true poetess. She doesn't even need to use real words. Psht, she is so not even on the English Language's Level.

Useless pieces of shit

2006-05-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

At a glance: why are these people famous?

Until he realizes that just because his dad is an oil tycoon doesn't mean he has to bathe in oil. I know rich brats have expensive taste but come the fuck on.

(Although, calling Lindsay a fire crotch mildly amused me; I'm not going to lie)

Done.

Really, though, why is she famous? For being Paris' former BFF? For whittling her body down to literally a lollypop shape? I don't get it.

No, nude pictures and a voiceless role in Sky Captain don't count.

Just...why? Why, god, why? I really don't get it.

Any other suggestions?

Happy Belated Mother's Day.

2006-05-15T21:19:00.000-07:00

Mother: Can you answer me a question?
Myself: What's that?
Mother: Why do girls go wild over Ryan Seacrest?
Myself: Search me.
Mother: I mean, bleugh.

I love you, mom.

Why, Jason?

2006-05-10T18:58:00.000-07:00

I thought we had something, Jason. I loved you through Sim1one and Bewitched, and that is truly a love that will never die. I will always love you, Jason, but I think our nonexistent relationship can't work if you keep this asshole like appearrance up:

I love you, but with the beard: total asshole. You are not a hobo or jesus or Charles Mason. Shave it the fuck off.

Love,
D. Wils

Paris Hilton: Actually, LITERALLY, has the face of an asshole

2006-05-08T16:17:00.000-07:00

I don't care if Paris Hilton brings American endless hours or minutes of amusement. Paris Hilton is the reason things like natural selection were created.

Why is she famous? Why? She has absolutely no talent whatsoever. She's done a lot of stuff -- modeling, designing, acting, singing, writing -- but only because she can. If she were born without her millions, she would probably be washing my dishes. The thought is amazing.

But we all know this already. Who doesn't know that Paris is only famous because she's a rich whore?

I remember one day, maybe a few years ago, and I was watching Oprah. I remember because Paris Hilton, Ms. Custy McStankAss herself, was on. I was like, WTF, what is this skank doing on my television? And all I remember was Oprah interviewing her, and she said something along the lines of, "This is America, and it's a place of opportunity. If you work hard you can do anything you want. All you have to do is keep on working, and someday you'll get what you want." HAHAHAHAHAHA PARIS. I love how she says this, and yet, I doubt she's even broken a sweat in her whole life except in that sex video of hers. She never worked for those massive designer bags and watches, and NO I don't count runway walking as working. I fucking runway walk in my living room all the time, and I kick ass, but do I see a Dooney and Bourke bag on my front doorstep? No.

I am a hopeful future struggling filmmaker. If I woke up tomorrow and I was like, "I want to make a movie TODAY", there is no chance I could. But if Paris woke up tommorrow and was like, "I want to make a movie", she'd own Paramount by noon. Not because she works hard but because she has a fortune at her fingertips. Of course I'm jealous, and if I were in her shoes, I'd probably be a spoiled whore, too. I would also be an asshole, just like she is.

I also had the misfortune of reading her book. Not on puropse, exactly. I have this friend who, unfortunately, is a rabid fan of Paris (and a guy) and he has the book. I can say this honestly: It SUUUUCKS. All the reviews on the book said it was witty and dryly sarcastic. How much did Paris pay these critics off? The book is genuinely terrible. It's all "A real heiress wears any colors she wants. She should wear something she looks good in and she knows will grab attention. My favorite colors are pink and blue. But not black. Anything but black. Anyone who wears black is boring. How boring." SERIOUSLY, the WHOLE GODDAMN BOOK is like that. SOB.

How can we stop her? I know: stop giving her attention. I know this post bascially defeats the purpose of it, but after this I will never speak the name Paris again. We need to stop taking pictures of her, writing about her, and reporting on her stupid, stupid life. She's a useless human being with nothing to offer. Fame should be reserved for those with talent, and Paris is a waste of the air she breathes. I would tell her this:

But she probably would.

And did anyone see her Birthday song to Hugh Heffner?

Useless, I tell you. What an asshole.

Really, I am at my wit's end with you, Tom.

2006-05-05T22:03:00.000-07:00

Tom, you have got to stop. I mean it now. Your assholery is showing up so often at such an alarming rate, I just can't take it anymore. I'm exhausted. Every day I'm assaulted with some picture of you jumping on something or laughing obnoxiously or riding around on your stupid, stupid motorcycle. You are not 20. You are not cool anymore. And you're not sane. Please, PLEASE, just fade from the public eye. Lock yourself in your house and have scientologists whisper in hushed voices to you that you are the best. Wash your hands 60 times a day. Become the Harold Hughes of our generation. You know, I don't care what you do from now on. Just go the fuck away, so that I don't have to see your awkward ass shifting to hip-hop on BET ever again. I give up, I am done with you. The D. Wils, she is tired.

Here's the full thing...be warned, it will destroy your will to live.

I'm watching you, Seacrest.

2006-05-05T14:00:00.000-07:00

If you ever need proof that the entertainment industry, if not the world, is begining to run backwards and never learns from its mistakes, you need look no further than Ryan Seacrest.

There are many reasons I don't watch American Idol. I think I would get a brain aneurysm if I tried to name them all, but the number one reason is probably Ryan Seacrest. I visit my father on Tuesday nights, and his girlfriend loves the show, so I always manage to slip out before the first commercial break is over. That's less than five minutes a week that I have to look at Ryan Seacrest, and yet every time he speaks, my skin crawls. He radiates douchbaggery. I don't even like using the insult "douchebag": for whatever reason, he just inspires the word in me. It's as if that other guy quit knowing that the show was a pile of shit and his function was that of a talking monkey, and Ryan Seacrest thought "YES! Now I am the star of this pile of shit! All hail me, MONKEY KING OF THIS PILE OF SHIT."
Remember when Carson Daly was doing TRL, and he had a radio show, and he had a talk show? No? Well, good, because he's just a mildly attractive talentless guy with no discernable personality who reached celebrity status because his job required him to hang out with more talented people. Now Ryan Seacrest is grabbing the same title, with one hugely annoying difference: he thinks he is the shit.
I'm putting him on Asshole Watch. I'm pretty sure douchbaggery is the pre-cursor to assholedom- douchebaggery is decided by attitude, assholedom is decided by acts. He exposed Kathy Griffin's bra to the world, which gives me the impression that there will be more serious assholedom ahead. Heck, he's only taking over for both Casey Kasem and Dick Clark. Please think about that with me: Ryan Seacrest is getting more famous. Pray for deus ex machina, or else this asshole is going to be famous for the rest of his life. Unless he goes into rehab, becomes a monk or finds a nice girl and settles down in a small mountain town and is never heard from again, I'll be by this laptop, waiting for him to act like the total asshole I suspect he is deep down. If it continues down this slippery slope, he could just be the Tom Cruise to my D. Wils.

M:I:Asshole

2006-05-04T19:41:00.000-07:00

Mission Impossible III comes out tomorrow. I know that in the end Tom Cruise will win, but I will still hope that he does not and totally root for Philip Seymour Hoffman. PSH is awesome anyway, but he cemented that status with the role of "the guy who beats the shit out of Tom Cruise" in MI3. I would so cheer when he beats up Tom Cruise if I was, in fact, going to see the movie, which I am not. But if I was...I would so cheer.

Asshole.

Bill O'Reilly: Shut the Fuck up.

2006-05-02T13:03:00.000-07:00

Bill O’Reilly, just shut the fuck up. Just, please, just do it. Please.

I mean, come on. I can’t say anything else to you, except just...shut the fuck up.

Bill O’Reilly is the worst kind of idiot. I’m talking Anne Coulter stupid here. He’s the worst kind of republican, one who misquotes and just says things that are so exaggerated and stupid it makes other idiots like him go, “Yeah! YEAH! GO GET ‘EM, BILL! YOU TELL THEM!” So they won’t go, “Now I believe that that might be a misquote; I am going to look that up.” Try this on for size:

“You know, the Founding Fathers didn't write anything into the Constitution about gay marriage. Because back then, if you were gay, they hung you.”
-March 15 edition of Westwood One's The Radio Factor

You’re right, Bill O’Reilly. Back then if you were caught wearing a lace cravat or maroon leather boots, you were in BIG trouble. Come on, Bill, we all know the founding fathers wore powdered wigs, and that’s TOTALLY gay.

Actually, that quote I could possibly in some way agree with sort of except I don’t want to say it because no way would I ever agree with Bill. What I’m saying is, yes, being gay was a taboo back then, so obvi they wouldn’t write about it. But then again, abolishing slavery was a taboo also, so that wasn’t in the constitution either. My point: O’Reilly is a douchebag.

How about this:

“Al Qaeda is not the most intense threat to your freedom -- it's the American Civil Liberties Union. And I will back up what I say.”
-From the March 30 edition of The Radio Factor

Because, GOD FORBID, there’s a union for American Civil Liberties! Civil Liberties are SO passe! Didn’t you hear? Civil Liberties and the new terrorism. Doing whatever your government says is in.

O’Reilly is not a journalist. He is not unbiased. No Spin Zone? My ass. The man doesn’t even know what the fuck “spinning” is. I hate these stupid conservatives why cry and whine about the “demoralizing of America” and the “erosion of values” just because there are pro-choice laws (not for long, prob) or gay civil unions are allowed in Massachusetts. Have you seen the documentary about Rosie O’Donnell’s cruise ship? HAVE YOU??? I suppose not, but although I’m not the biggest fan of la O’Donnell, My mom made me watch it (really), and I don’t get how wrong it can be when you see a very awesome gay couple who adopt two kids and then ALL OF THEIR BROTHERS AND SISTERS because they want them to be together! FIVE kids? I'd be all, ‘fuck off! I already adopted two! I’ve lost my goddamn life to them!’ But they’re like “bring it onnnN!” How can that be so immoral when Bill O’Reilly offered a woman $6,000,000 if she would “bathe in it naked”? Okay, first of all – gross, on so many levels. I mean, she doesn’t know where that money’s been. I get all grossed out touching money with my hands, but having it all up in my business – SICK. And it’s Bill O’Reilly, so it’s even sicker. The thought, it makes me want to spray the lysol down my pants, just like the sight of Vince Gallo does.

I hate that douchebag hypocrite. I’ll write more later, but I am a lazy American, and my fingers are tired. I guess.

Try these awesome sites:

Sweet Jesus I Hate Bill O’Reilly

O’Reilly Sucks

They’ll back me up.

Tucker Carlson: Crypto-Asshole.

2006-04-27T13:39:00.000-07:00

I don't watch the news much. I read it. I don't know Tucker Carlson. This is not a rant blasting his entire career. I know he usually wears a bowtie and hates Canada- that seems like a contradiction right there, doesn't it? Nobody repects Canada, says man with bowtie. If you're a political voice and your name can only conjur images of bowties in the minds of the people, you either need a grown-up tie or a better political voice. He's probably said some good things on occasion. Anyway.

This is why I'm writing about Tucker Carlson.

"You said just the other day that the defense team these boys have hired, is quote, 'exploiting social prejudices against strippers.' Now, everybody, apart from maybe you, knows the truth, which is, the testimony of an ordinary person is different from the testimony of someone who hires herself out to dance naked in front of and, yes, sometimes sleep with people, strangers, right? They're different. It's OK to have a bias against strippers in this case, isn't it?"

Apparently, strippers are not ordinary people. They are, if you watch the whole clip, "crypto-hookers". I really wonder if it is in Tucker's mental database that a lot of strippers have families, and that maybe not all of them are nymphos that got into the glamourous lifestyle that is stripping for the love of taking off their clothes, but, you know, because they have bills to pay? It seems in his mental database, "stripper", "prostitute", "slut" and "untrustworthy" are clear synonyms. It's creepy, to me, how he tries to draw a line in one's mind between us (ordinary people, none of which have ever had sex with strangers) and them (sex-thirsty stippers: outcasts of society), and somehow doesn't see what the big deal is.

Really, I generally don't respect Fox News anchors (by the way, I won't be making any tired I-hate-Fox-News rants on this blog, other than this bit. At this point, I'm numb to the fact that the current administration is not only in bed with Fox News, they're two steps away from a commitment ceremony- as they're both mostly male entities, and neither of them believe in gay marriage. It's all Dick Cheney watches, and, oh yeah, they just hired one of those anchors). But I would never go so far as to say they're abnormalities whose testimony in court should be approached with pre-conceived bias. That would be insane! I would be disrespecting a large, diverse group of individuals to the point of denying them of their rights based on my slanted ideas about their occupation.
And Tucker just continues speaking, as if what he's saying is totally legitimate and everyone else is crazy.

"You just said that, you know, I'm not treating her as a human being. I'm merely saying that her testimony about matters of sex is to be taken by ordinary commonsense people a little differently than the testimony of someone who isn't a crypto-hooker."

Tucker Carlson, even without the bowtie, you look like an asshole to me.

Charlie Sheen

2006-04-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

Soooo...I guess calling your wife a 'dickface' is OK, huh, dude?

Puh. Dickface. How unoriginal. Charlie Sheen, you suck.

Yay!

2006-04-24T19:05:00.000-07:00

New banner in honor of our anonymous commenter. Thanks, anonymous! Love ya!

Chinese Proverb

2006-04-24T18:37:00.000-07:00

Wooo! We got our first anon. post. It makes me wicked excited.

Anonymous said...

A probverb for an asshole: The barking of dogs does not hurt the clouds.

4/24/2006 5:46 PM

Oh man, I wish I knew who you were, so I could give you a plastic trophy. And it's not a shallow comment, either! And it's true, too. My dog barks all the time and no clouds have complained as of yet. And my dog's barking is annoying, let me tell you. I want to throw a party.

We're back

2006-04-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm not going to lie, I totally quit this thing because a, I'm lazy and b, no one was reading it, and I hate doing shit if I'm not going to get loved and praised for it. But, more than being lazy and attention-seeking, I'm bored and AWESOMELY clever. I can't waste my talents of being a huge jerk and ripping on celebrities and Vincent Gallo! So, here we are again, assholes writing about assholes and being read by people who are most likely assholes, ESPECIALLY if they don't comment.

A new rule: no asshole Monday thing. I am an artist; I do not thrive on structure. So I'll write about an asshole whenever I damn well feel like it.

So! Asshole #1 had his baby. We have yet to see it, no? I bet it's creepy. Brad and Angelina better have their damn Namibian baby soon so it can prevent the evil one from bringing back the seven plagues of Egypt or taking over the world or whatever.

More later. Hopefully.

Asshole(s) #5: Ford "Wow, That's Devestating" Motor Company

2006-02-08T07:09:00.000-08:00

Well, it looks like there was no asshole this Monday. I'm going for a quickie late addition.

I read an article in a local paper, The Providence Pheonix, called "Where's the Outrage?". It points out that Ford is cutting 30,000 jobs and closing plants, and the public outcry has sort of been, "Well, that's unfortunate."

What? No! No, no! In short, thirty thousand is a big number! Beyond that, Ford is a pretty important company! Can you imagine your life if your mother, father or spouse was a low-ranking employee at Ford? We ought to be sympathizing that outrage, instead of dismissing this as an ordinary, unfortunate business practice. Something is wrong if this is the only solution. This ought to be called out and questioned. This is more than unforunate- this is awful, despicable, this is devestating.

I have to go to work (where, thankfully, I know exactly who employs me- he cooks and delivers on Fridays), but in conclusion,
FORD = ASSHOLES

An Asshole I Could Get Behind

2006-01-31T17:36:00.000-08:00

There are plenty of awful assholes making the world a worse place, and then there's just the good ol' assholes who are shaking things up for the heck of it.

I saw this month's cover of Rolling Stone, and I knew I needed to make a note approving of this asshole.

Kanye West. He seemed like your average, super-confident popular rap artist. Until, of course, he outdid his predecesors on the poltical outburst scale; stating his opinion flat-out on a nationally-televised celebrity fundraiser for Katrina victims.
In case you missed the famous unscripted moment, you can watch it here:
"George Bush doesn't care about black people".
Just because such a radical voice is never heard doesn't mean the opinion is non-existant. Kanye is not be the only person who suspected the victims weren't immediately sent aid because they were largely poor and black- he's just the only person with the opportunity and moxie to say it so loudly.

I gotta say, I'm not a rap fan, and I don't know much about him outside of that famous outburst. However, the aformentioned image that convinced me he was worth mention. I could only amuse myself thinking that some easily shocked super-christian somewhere walks by a magazine rack and gasps in horror- "A black Jesus?"

Asshole #4: Pat "Batshit Insane" Robertson

2006-01-30T16:57:00.000-08:00

You know, I could talk about how Pat Robertson called for the assassination of the Venezuelan president. I could talk about how he compared the oppression of Christians in this country to the holocaust. I could also talk about he thinks feminists want to kill their children. But you know what? I think his quotes speak for themselves.

When I said during my presidential bid that I would only bring Christians and Jews into the government, I hit a firestorm. `What do you mean?' the media challenged me. `You're not going to bring atheists into the government? How dare you maintain that those who believe in the Judeo Christian values are better qualified to govern America than Hindus and Muslims?' My simple answer is, `Yes, they are.’ --from Pat Robertson's "The New World Order," page 218.

It is interesting, that termites don't build things, and the great builders of our nation almost to a man have been Christians, because Christians have the desire to build something. He is motivated by love of man and God, so he builds. The people who have come into (our) institutions (today) are primarily termites. They are into destroying institutions that have been built by Christians, whether it is universities, governments, our own traditions, that we have.... The termites are in charge now, and that is not the way it ought to be, and the time has arrived for a godly fumigation. --Pat Robertson, New York Magazine, August 18, 1986

You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense. I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist. I can love the people who hold false opinions but I don't have to be nice to them.--Pat Robertson, The 700 Club, January 14, 1991

Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history. --Pat Robertson, 1993 interview with Molly Ivins

(Yes, why isn’t anyone doing anything about those millions of Christians being gassed and worked to death every day? I mean, he SAID they’re being more persecuted than any other group in history, right? So that means that it’s worse than the holocaust, right guys? Right?)

The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians. -- Pat Robertson, fundraising letter, 1992

I think George Bush is going to win in a walk. I really believe that I'm hearing from the Lord it's going to be like a blowout election of 2004. It's shaping up that way. The Lord has just blessed him.... I mean, he could make terrible mistakes and comes out of it. It doesn't make any difference what he does, good or bad. God picks him up because he's a man of prayer and God's blessing him. -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club television program, January 2, 2004

It’s refreshing to know our leaders don’t have to do good things, so as long as they’re Christian. It’s like a get out of jail free card!

Okay, what the fuck is UP with this guy? I mean, seriously. I’m not Christian, but I know plenty of Christians who aren’t anything like this. He gives Christians a bad name. He makes them look INSANE. And why does he have his own TV show? Who let him have a TV show?? That’s like giving the Mason Family or Osama Bin Laden a TV show! YOU DON’T GIVE CRAZY PEOPLE TV SHOWS. It just encourages them! How did this happen? I mean, there are some assholes out there who have TV shows, but this man is INSANE. He is BATSHIT. I mean, Ann Coulter is crazy, but at the same time, at least she’s consistent in an inconsistent way. Pat Robertson just makes NO SENSE. He lives in this world where the liberals and feminists are burning down churches and erecting abortion clinics in their places, gassing Christians while plotting their conspiracies to keep control of the government. OK, I could see how conservative Christians could feel the traditional values in this country are in decline, but even sane conservative Christians have to agree, this guy is just, well, he’s lost his marbles. Did he ever even have them? COME ON! WHY DOES HE HAVE A TV SHOW??? I would sooner have the Dick Cheney variety hour. At least he’s kind of smart. I mean, Pat Robertson is just a huge batshit asshole.

I almost felt bad naming him an asshole, because it’s like, he’s insane, so it’s almost not fair. It’s like yelling at someone in a wheelchair for not winning a track meet. But then I thought, Pat Robertson could just as easily be wiping his shit on some mental institution walls, which would be considerably more useful than his verbal diarrhea, so I had to call him out on his assholery. It’s only fair. So here’s to you, Pat, the first asshole with a mental condition, that being batshit insanery. Still: you suck, get off the air. Even if you’re only on at 4 AM on ABC family.

...seriously. This man needs to be taken off their air.

No, really.

You're an Oscar Winning actor, get hair like one, plzthnx

2006-01-23T20:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Tom Hanks,
I know it's supposedly for your film, but the receding hairline/long hair thing needs to go; you're beginning to look like an asshole. Don't be that guy.
Love,
D. Wils

Asshole #3: Ann "Even Conservatives Know I'm Insane" Coulter

2006-01-22T19:58:00.000-08:00

My best friend throughout high school was a red-white-and-blue conservative. Ronald Reagan was her personal hero. While most girls our age crushed on Johnny Depp, she held affections for handsome young politicians. She approved of Bush, not only as a person, but as a President.
Anyway, I was reading "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them", and talking about how much I was liking it, and she told me I ought to read a conservative author to be fair. I told her that I knew she wouldn't read Al Franken, so I didn't fell any urge to read Ann Coulter. She laughed, telling me she meant a real conservative author. She assured me that any intelligent conservative knows Ann Coulter is a lunatic.

Ann Coulter is blonde, thin, well spoken and a best selling author. The only problem?
She's fucking apeshit. And, she's an asshole.

Look, I didn't take Al Franken as my bible or anything. I enjoyed the book and took it as inspiration to question what I read. So, soon after I finished it (keeping in mind, I was a high school sophmore at the time), I did go to Ann Coulter's website to see if she was the mad liar she was made out to be. And guess what? She is.
Ann Coulter oft complains that Al Franken had a team of unpaid Harvard students at his disposal to write his book (always neglecting to mention that he includes a picture of the entire team in the end of the book and personally credits each one's outstanding work or personality). However, I was a fifteen year old with nothing but Google and about four minutes, and I still caught her. On this particular day she wrote about something I actually know a bit about: gay marriage. I'd link you to the rant itself, but her archives don't go back that far. Luckily, I recorded some specific quotes in an old journal.
First mistake (i.e. lie) spotted: "Gays already can visit loved ones in hospitals."
That is, unless the patient's family don't want the partner to, which is more than feasible. While I can't find a specific example of blocked visits, there's this recent matter.
Oh, whoops, that's a New York Times article, Ann wouldn't be reading that. In fact, she has famously said “My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times building.” Then, she did admit regret: "Of course I regret it. I should have added, 'after everyone had left the building except the editors and reporters'."
Mistake/lie number two: Ann calls John Adams "very religious" and says the Massachusetts Constitution is "the most Christian document since the new testament".
This one immediately struck me as not quite right, so I made some quick searches. I did read around the Massachusetts Constitution, and while the original text mentions God a good number of times, it's either in reference to the more official business of the church (electing teachers, their payments), or it expresses religious freedom. It is the duty of men to worship "the great Creator and Protector", but no man may be punished for the way he worships. Of course, there's also the fact that this constitution has been amended over one hundred times.
The John Adams search was more interesting. Check out the Positive Athetist's list of quotes from him, including "Can a free government possibly exist with the Roman Catholic religion?", "God is an essence that we know nothing of. Until this awful blasphemy is got rid of, there never will be any liberal science in the world.", and "The United States is not a Christian nation any more than it is a Jewish or a Mohammedan nation."

So, Ann Coulter lies, badly. Whether she does it intentionally or just makes shit up and hopes it's right, I don't know. But that's out of the way, ok? Ann Coulter makes shit up, I proved it when I was fifteen years old. I can move on to the specific traits of this asshole.

Ann Coulter is one of these infuriating women who wants to give up her own right to vote. Try to wrap your brain around that with me. She also says women aren't as bright as men, don't understand finances and shouldn't be in the military. She's one of these assholes who seems to think that she'd still have a college education, sucessful career and voice in politics whether feminism had happened or not. Or maybe, I don't know, she'd give that up if more big, strong masculine republicans got into the white house and- fuck, I can't even understand how she thinks that would benefit her. The bizarre hypocrisy makes my brain hurt.

Speaking of bizarre, Ann speaks affectionately about McCarthyism and, in what I sincerely hope is sarcasm (and even if it is, it's not funny), slavery. She joked (I hope) about the repealing the emancipation proclomation, and among weird shit she finds more offensive than the Ten Commandments in a court, she lists quotes from Smithsonian exhibits as basic as "In the Americas, sugar meant slavery". She also lists a few, like real aborted fetuses in an art show, that I question the authenticity of. Even if there was a real, recently-aborted tissue-comprised fetus in an art show, hey, it wasn't in a court. You know what? If it was, Ann might approve.

Ann Coulter is rich, and why? Because she can write a few hundred pages every so often talking about how much she looks down on other people. Just about any asshole could do that, but they don't, because they have some ounce of human dignity. Ann Coulter doesn't. She talks about other people and whole groups (liberals, muslims... who she seems to think are interchangable) as if they're lesser beings than herself.

I can't take ranting about it anymore. I'll just make a list from here on out. Credit to the Ann Coulter wikipedia entry and CampusProgress.org.
- first given national attention when she leaked details of Paula Jones' testimony in hopes of "bringing down the President".
- on 9/12/01, she wrote: "We know who the homicidal maniacs are. They are the ones cheering and dancing right now. We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity."
- "The ethic of conservation is the explicit abnegation of man's dominion over the Earth. The lower species are here for our use. God said so: Go forth, be fruitful, multiply, and rape the planet—it's yours. That's our job: drilling, mining and stripping. Sweaters are the anti-Biblical view. Big gas-guzzling cars with phones and CD players and wet bars—that's the Biblical view."
- "Liberals hate America, they hate flag-wavers, they hate abortion opponents, they hate all religions except Islam, post 9/11. Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like liberals do. They don't have the energy. If they had that much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing by now."
- Oh, that last quote is one of the colorful ones her talking doll spouts. Yes, Ann Coulter has her own talking doll. What the fuck?

The man doth protest too much, I daresay.

2006-01-21T22:15:00.000-08:00

IMDB.com:

Cruise 'South Park' Show Censored
Tom Cruise has reportedly stopped an episode of South Park that mocks him from being aired in Britain. The show, in which Nicole Kidman and Cruise's fellow Scientologist John Travolta are depicted attempting to coax an animated version of the actor out of a closet caused controversy when broadcast in the US. The cartoon Kidman tells Cruise, "Don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet. You're not fooling anyone." - referring to allegations about Cruise's sexuality. According to TheRegister.co.uk, Paramount has agreed not to show the episode again, after Cruise complained. A source tells the site, "Tom is famously very litigious and will go to great lengths to protect his reputation. Tom was said not to like the episode and Paramount just didn't dare risk showing it again. It's a shame that UK audiences will never see it because it's very funny."

"PLEASE, EVERYONE, I'M NOT GAY. The fact that I get upset and defensive at every joke about my sexual orientation is no indication that I am ashamed of being in the closet. LOOK! I IMPREGNATED KATIE HOLMES! Who says I'm gay? I'm going to have a child! A demon-child that will one day square off against the Infangelina, who will try to prevent my child from enslaving the world with its dark forces! I AM NOT GAY! I'M NOT! I'M NOT, I SWEAR!"

Seriously, Tom, the defensiveness has got to stop. First of all, there is NOTHING wrong with being gay. Therefore being accused of it shouldn't be such a damn insult to you. Second of all, stop protesting so much, it only makes you look like a whiny asshole crybaby, which you are, but still, it's a trait you want to downplay. Third of all, you're a goddamn celebrity, so therefore, untrue shit is going to be written about you all the time, and you have to fucking deal with it. Everyone worldwide is terrified of you, making fun of your damn couch jump, and talking about how you impregnated Katie Holmes with the spawn of satan or L. Ron Hubbard or something, and you're complaining about the gay thing? RELAX. The only way this will stop is if you stop complaining about it so much. Every male celebrity gets the gay treatment, and only the ones who brush it off pass through unharmed. You, my friend, did not brush it off, and now you have to deal with it worse than if you had just ignored it in the first place. I hate you, Tom Cruise.

P.S. That episode really was hilarious.

Something Like this happened to me once. Except I wasn't brainwashed.

2006-01-21T12:59:00.000-08:00

According to contact music, the defamer and Yahoo! News Tom Cruise has given his vessel the gift that keeps on giving for her 27th birthday.

TOM CRUISE has given his pregnant fiancee KATIE HOLMES a unique 27th birthday present - a DVD compendium of every movie he has acted in.

The WAR OF THE WORLDS star, 43, decided there was no better gift for his wife-to-be than a full history of his long and fruitful career.

A source tells British newspaper the Daily Express, "Each was inscribed with a special handwritten love message to the future mother of his child."

Um, ew. Um, EW. UM, EW. What the fuck? First one of those sonogram machines, and now this? What's next? I'm speechless. What a shitty gift. I hate Tom Cruise.

An Open Letter to Vincent Gallo

2006-01-18T21:16:00.000-08:00

My fellow asshole enthusiast had a very good point with her previous Gallo-related post. Keeping in the spirit of this week's asshole I decided to write him a letter, for if I didn't the embers of hatred in my heart might grow cold, and I might actually be a nice person. Which -- god forbid.

Dear Vince, and yes, that's what I'm calling you,

I googled "controversial films" today. Guess what didn't show up. Your movie! I got Bowling for Columbine, American Psycho, Straw Dogs, Blue Velvet, Midnight Cowboy, Last Tango in Paris, Lolita, Pulp Fiction, Platoon, and Basketball Diaries, among the thousands of other notoriously controversial films. These were controversial films. Chloe Sevigny sucking your cock? Not controversial. Stupid. Just stupid. It’s like, wow, Vincent, you were NOT the first one to think up shit like that. There is such a thing called porno, Vincent! It’s a huge flourishing business that makes millions of films a year, and they feature loads of graphic sex. A woman going down on someone isn't radical, it isn't new, and it might be kind of gross, but it's not really all that controversial. It doesn't elicit any sort of debate or argument. It's not making any sort of point except maybe that you're a self-indulgent prick. You are not David Lynch. You are not Stanley Kubrick. You are not Sam Peckinpah. You are not even Quentin Tarantino (who I will cover in a later article). You are a pompous asshole, and you really, really need to get over yourself. Fo' rizzle, Vince. Fo' rizzle.

Oh, and trivia from IMDB:

In particular, Roger Ebert called the film "the worst in the history of Cannes" to which Vincent Gallo responded that Ebert was a "fat pig with the physique of a slave trader". Ebert paraphrased a remark of Winston Churchill and responded that "although I am fat, one day I will be thin, but Mr. Gallo will still have been the director of 'Brown Bunny'". Gallo then put a "hex" on Ebert's colon, to which Ebert responded that "even my colonoscopy was more entertaining than his film".

Think about how small and silly you appear, Vincent, when angry and jealous and bitter – putting hexes on Ebert’s colon like a shitty hack director.

Hate,
D. Wils

Assholes in the News

2006-01-18T08:31:00.000-08:00

It boggles the mind.

"Female kidney turns lumberjack on to housework"

A man fro Croatia is actually suing his local health authority because his life saving kidney transplant- the horror- was from a woman.
Since the operation, he has come to find sewing, ironing, knitting and washing dishes relaxing, enjoyable and fulfilling. He doesn't seem to believe the expirience of nearly dying pointed him to a gentler path and simpler pleasures; he blames his passion for this vile, girly work as the byproduct of receiving a women's kidney. Now, I've heard of this kind of thing before, receiving someone's body parts and subsequently taking on their traits, but it's not like his newfound hobbies are costing him his job or safety anything. What does the article list as his hobby of choice pre-op? Heavy drinking. That's right, he's suing the people who saved his life, because he was forced to give up boozing for crochet. Oh, and check out this direct quote: "He pointed out that before the kidney transplant he would not have been seen dead doing the housework, and expected his wife to do it all."
What an asshole.

further comments on this week's asshole.

2006-01-16T11:52:00.000-08:00

I hate to correct my good friend, but on Shallow Gallow's website, he writes that it's an extra $500,000 for natural insemination, which he'll waive if he thinks you're hot. He also makes a big deal about the fact that he has a huge cock. I think he may be in love with it.
As if not wanting any mixed-race babies (direct quote- "Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration.") isn't enough, he offers a discount for "relatives of mid-century German soldiers", like he's being really clever about stepping around his lust for Aryans. I couldn't tell if it was a joke or not, but just joking about it qualifies him as an asshole. If he's serious, well, he's an asshole who needs some sense beaten into him.
You know, I remember seeing a trailer for The Brown Bunny once. It featured quotes from bad reviews that were supposed to make the movie seem like the most controversial film of our times. Unfortunately for Gallo, I didn't hear anyone give two shits about the movie ever again until D.Wils mentioned that he was the Asshole of the Week. I looked up some reviews today, and apparently most people didn't find it controversial, just fucking awful. My favorite quip: "Never have men who wear raincoats to movie theaters had so much in common with the filmmaker."
Ha ha! I just watched the trailer again on RottenTomatoes, and yes, he actually possess the balls to proclaim it "The most controversial American film ever made." I'll spare you watching it and describe it to you: A quote from Entertainment Weekly is displayed, reading "No one will in America will ever see one frame of this film." Which, once again, doesn't point to controversy, it points to The Brown Bunny being a shitty film no one will care about. Wellspring presents, and then that quote about being the most controversial American film ever made. Ever. Gallo's blurry character looks around vaguely. "Vincent Gallo" and "Chloe Sevigny" are featured, the title of the film comes up, and then the screen fades to white. After a moment, in porn font, "ADULTS ONLY" comes up.
I repeat, because it bears repeating: Vincent Gallo claims this movie to be the "most controversial American film ever made". Ever! EVER. Now, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure Americans have been making movies for quite some time. There sure are a lot of them. Have you ever been to Borders? They have a lot of fucking movies there. Well, there are even more movies than that! Not all of them are controversial, of course, but off the top of my head, there's A Clockwork Orange, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner (the version sans Ashton Kutcher), Caligula, The Last Temptation of Christ and The Birth of a Nation. What happens in The Brown Bunny that apparently blows the rest of these out of the water? Vince Gallow gets his big cock sucked. (Don't worry, that link will not expose you to the aforementioned.) That's about it. He flirts at, fondles and fucks some other women who remind him of an old girlfriend. Also, Roger Ebert hated it. Duh.
That's what Vince Gallow thinks makes it "the most controversial American film ever made". It really sounds like an excuse for him to get that giant dick he adores so much on screen. Annoying, but not controversial.
What an asshole.

Asshole #2: Vincent "Basically an ugly high-class Prostitute" Gallo

2006-01-16T09:39:00.000-08:00

I have to say, I never thought I would find someone possibly as much of an asshole (more of an asshole?) than Tom Cruise, let alone so soon. But from the moment I stumbled upon this unfortunate man’s web site, I knew he was destined to be the very next featured asshole.

First, the backstory. So I’ve been compiling a list of all the assholes I intend to feature on this blog, but the pending list was put on hold when I stumbled across a little site known as the gallery of the absurd. It’s actually quite a nifty site, I do suggest going to it; it features “gossip-fueled” art. When I stumbled on this page, though, and confusedly clicked the links under it, I knew I had an asshole that blew the pending list right out of the water.

Vincent Gallo. Who is this hobo, exactly? Every heard of Buffalo 66 or the Brown Bunny? He directed those. Now to be sure, Buffalo 66 was fascinating, but Gallo is no Wes Anderson, nor is he any other indie director with lots of talent that I actually kind of like a lot. This asshole has a long way to go before he is allowed to sell his sperm on a web site. Hell, no one should be allowed to sell their sperm on a web site, not even, like, my future husband Jason Schwartzman, let alone Vincent Gallo. But I will get to that in a moment. I swear to god I didn’t make that shit up.

I mean, LOOK AT HIM. He looks like he spent a year in a cave that dripped grease from the ceilings. He looks like a serial killer. He looks like he's going to ask you to spare a dime, and he swears to god it's not going to be spent on alcohol or crack. I could go on. Go to his official website; you’ll get all the proof you need about his assholery. But rather than subjecting yourself to that waste of internet space, I will provide you with choice quotes from vincentgallo.com.

For example, on the “contact me” page, Gallo says:

“If you'd like to send a nude photo of yourself and you were BORN a female, please do so.”

Oh, thank GOD. Thank GOD. I am SO glad Mr. Gallo gave me the green light; I was really worried he wouldn’t accept that nude photo I’ve been waiting to send to him. Asshole. And then there’s this:

“WARNING: To all bitter or jealous or unemployed or frustrated or mean or nasty or under-loved or under-paid or under-hung men and butchy girls. Think before you write to me. THINK HOW SMALL AND SILLY YOU APPEAR WHEN ANGRY JEALOUS AND BITTER--WRITING TO ME LIKE A SCORNED FAN.”

Well, Vince, and may I call you Vince. Listen. Who the fuck would be jealous of you? You look like a goddamn hobo that got mauled by a dump truck and hasn’t taken a shower in at least six months, besides which, you haven’t done anything of note, and Buffalo 66 hardly counts. You’re an asshole, plain and simple, with delusions of grandeur so big that I’m sure that a small army of Englishmen have established a colony on them by now. Think about how small and silly you appear when you’ve got an ego the size of Texas and you look like you snot chunks of feta cheese. Take a shower, eat a bakery of humble pies, and then I will send you a naked picture. Which we all know everyone wants.

I think the real kicker here, what sealed the deal for me, was Gallo’s merchandise page. I had to scroll through pages of Vincent whoring out his childhood belongings for thousands of dollars, all of which he’s signed (and very little of which was actually bought...HA) before I got to the one thing that truly blew me away. You have to see it for yourself. Right-click on the link and open it in a new window. Good. Now scroll all the way to the bottom of the page. Read the last thing for sale. READ IT. Read all of it. Yes, it’s true.

Vincent Gallo is selling his sperm. I can’t even describe to you how ridiculous this is. I’m speechless. Well, almost. Where does this asshole get off doing this sort of shit? And look, douchebag, if you’re willing to whore out your sperm for a million bucks per roll in the hay (with an extra $500,000 if it’s artificial insemination), then you can’t say you won’t give your precious, precious sperm to people with “Darker complexions”. He’s basically like the ugliest and highest-class prostitute in the world. What woman is going to do this? And the part about being a Jew helping you win an Oscar...hilarious. Man, this guy is deluded, a grade A Type Pompous asshole.

Now, these are only a few snippets of the true kaleidoscopic assholery that is Vincent Gallo. This guy is such a pompous asshole, I can’t even describe what I want to do. I guess it would start with one of my friends pinning him down while I sucker punched him repeatedly in the groin. No more million dollar sperm for those natural blondes clamoring to get it! Too bad, asshole.

Vincent Gallo, I salute you. Well, I would, but I’m still kind if reeling from the whole sperm thing. That aside, I salute you for your wholly amazing disproportionate ego and your ginormous delusions of grandeur. Without you, where would angry, jealous and bitter people like me be?

what the hell I'm doing here.

2006-01-14T08:21:00.000-08:00

Hey there, assholes and optimists alike. D. Wils made an introductory post for me, but I thought I'd make one myself.
My other blog, you will see if you check my profile, is dedicated to a reality TV program about fashion. So what the hell am I doing here? Well, I'll tell you.
Well. Um. I don't know, actually. I suppose I have a short list of people that make my brain want to crawl out of my ears every time I think about them. You'll find out who soon enough. Oh, and just like D. Wils, I'm a human being, and therefore have an agenda. If you disagree with me, you can suck it up and enjoy my comical stylings anyway, or you could be a total wuss and send me anonymous hate mail.
I'm afraid I'll occasionally not be angry enough for this blog. At those points, I'll probably start up some stupid but enjoyable gimmicks, like: You May Be An Asshole If... you have the following tattoos, you use the following phrases without irony, et cetera. If we're running low on assholes of the week, I'll also probably be the one resorting to really lame themes, like, Disney Villians Month. Man, you have to agree though: Gaston is a TOTAL asshole.

That Fucking Couch Jump

2006-01-11T16:44:00.000-08:00

I would have to say the music fits this video quite well, and also reminds me of why Tom Cruise is the king of all assholes. Poor, poor Katie Holmes. Just because he knocked you up doesn't mean you have to stay, sweetie. Leave before he gets ahold of "the anointed one" and go hide out in Wyoming or something. You'll thank me later.
Love,
Dorie

"Now why would you do that?" Well, why not, Mr. Cruise?

2006-01-11T13:51:00.000-08:00

One of the single greatest moments in History

I think I must have watched this at least ten times when I first found it, laughing with glee every time. Coincidentally, the guy who did this got arrested. Fuck, if it had been up to me I would have seriously given him some sort of award/cash prize. Watch the look on the face of the guy who does it, when M. Cruise gets all uppity and starts going, "Now, why would you do that? Why?" The guy just sort of tries to hold back laughter, which makes it even awesomer. And Tom's reaction is like, "Oh, that was kind of funny...hey wait...what? He just made me look like an asshole...I have to reprimand him now...but I'm going to stay calm, STAY CALM, Tom..." and that woman in the black tube top comes up all ready for the shit to go down, and Tom is all, "No, no, I want to talk to you," and he reprimands him like a total asshole. Man, I hate Tom Cruise.

Types of Ass

2006-01-10T16:00:00.000-08:00

The more I think about it the more I realize that there is more than one type of asshole. When I say someone is an asshole, I might mean a different type of asshole than someone else I've referred to previously. I've thought about it, and considering the fact I still have no life, I've compiled a list of several types of common assholes I've come in contact with over the years.

1. The "Okay, let's just be honest, I'm a fucking dumbass" asshole
We all know one. You can't deny that you know one. Even if you don't know one personally, one is running our country, so there's no escaping this type of asshole. You know, the guy who is just too fucking stupid for words. The guy who says shit, and you think "Is this guy for real?" As far as academics go, don't let good grades or a high GPA fool you. Some stupid assholes do very well in a scholastic environment. The fact is they're still fucking stupid. You know what I'm talking about. The fucktard who happens to get good grades and it doesn't make sense. These types can also be referred to as “fucktards”, as above.

2. The "I will not compromise my work" asshole
Man, I hate guys like this. You know, pompous assholes who think their work (generally art of some kind) is too meaningful and important to change at all, when really, it sucks from the beginning. These are the assholes who think their work is monumental, genius, and their "vision". Because wow, no one's thought of black-and-white film with jazz music over it before. Or throwing trash in a shopping cart and calling it art. Asshole. These assholes usually smoke a lot too. Maybe it's that whole "vision" thing, I don't know, but whatever. They suck. These guys a lot of times end up being sellouts anyway, which, ha. I would also refer to this type as a “shitbox”.

3. The "everyone is an asshole" asshole
I would fit under this category, thank you very much. Bitter and resentful because of lack of an interesting life -- that's me!

4. The “Let’s face it, I’m evil” asshole
Someone who is just cunning and nasty to the nth degree. Think mean girls. Think that guy from Dangerous Liaisons (Cruel Intentions) before he fell in love with that girl. Think Wendy Pepper. This is an evil asshole. Someone who is just a shithead and for no apparent reason whatsoever except that they get some sort enjoyment out of it. Assholes. Also known as “fuckfaces”.

5. The Oblivious Asshole
“Hey, I actually suck, but I’m oblivious to the fact and for some reason I think I’m really cool and somehow manage to trick other people into thinking the same thing!” WELL YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ME OBLIVIOUS ASSHOLE. Also referred to as: “douchebags”.

6. Tom Cruise
Because he really deserves his own category. There is no alternate word to describe him – Tom Cruise is an insult in its own right.

We’ve got stupid, pompous, bitter, evil, oblivious and Tom Cruise. A good start, I’d say, and by the looks of my asshole pending list so far, they’re mostly oblivious assholes. Thanks Los Angeles!

Welcome, darling.

2006-01-10T11:11:00.000-08:00

On behalf of the Asshole blog I would like to congratulate the christening of our first team member: An Optimist. Welcome, an optimist. Although your name becries hypocrisy on the foundations of the blog, those foundations being that we are bitter, hateful individuals who have nothing better to do than hate on those more popular and successful than us, we would like to nonetheless welcome you and claim that your name is ironic. Welcome to the asshole blog, optimist. May your days be lacking in Tom Cruise.

Asshole #1: Tom "I swear to God I didn't turn Katie Holmes into a Stepford Wife" Cruise

2006-01-09T16:09:00.000-08:00

I have decided to kick off this blog’s asshole declaration weekly with the guy who was the whole reason I started this thing up in the first place.

Tom Cruise. I hate him. HATE him. If I had to declare an asshole for all time at this moment in my life Tom Cruise would be at the top of my list. Everything about him makes me angry. Before this whole – and god help me for referring to it as this – TomKat thing, Tom was just a mild annoyance for me. Sure, he’d been in a few decent movies (er, Minority Report was pretty good), but really, I had never been impressed with him. But then...agh god, it makes my blood boil just thinking about it...this whole Katie Holmes thing happened, and man, for a while all I could think about was sucker punching him in the face. When that whole Water-Spray-in-the-Face Debacle of ’05 happened, I seriously fell out of my chair with glee, and that only caused him a minor inconvenience. Imagine how happy I could be if I punched him once. Just once.

Now, I KNOW that the horrific creepiness of the whole Katie Holmes thing has been paparazzi-ed to death, but I have to say, for ONCE they have done something right. Well played, paparazzi, without you, we wouldn’t be itching to dig the micro-control chip out of Katie’s brain with a screwdriver. I swear to GOD Tom “I promise I didn’t turn Katie into a Stepford Wife” Cruise is the creepiest asshole EVER. I even have decided to compile a list of why he’s an asshole right at this very moment in time:

1. The way he’s always gripping Katie Holmes like if he doesn’t she’ll run away, which she probably will
2. One word: Scientology. Man, that religion is fucking creepy. And he does nothing to make it less creepy.
3. He’s giving us Mission Impossible III. And you know what? The trailers make it look OK. He doesn’t deserve to be in an OK movie. I know that’s not really a reason that he’s an asshole, but I felt the need to say it
4. Why is he so defensive about not being gay? I think the man doth protest too much. There’s nothing wrong with being gay and he shouldn’t be all defensive about it, he should just gracefully brush off the accusations and not give a shit about them like Colin Farrell has managed to do, and which I commend him for. Call me, Colin!
5. He’s an ignorant shithead, as has been proved in numerous television interviews. Just shut up, Tom.
6. Interview with a Vampire. I KNOW it was years ago, but it’s still inexcusable, especially when you’ve consistently sucked since. At least Brad Pitt did Fight Club, 12 Monkeys and Snatch, aka Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels II, and has acted like a fucktard to a much lesser extent than Tom Cruise has. I was going to say that since he’s dating Angelina Jolie he’s done something right, but who am I kidding, that’s no measure of lack of assholery. She married Billy Bob Thornton for christ’s sake. My point is: Tom was in Interview with a Vampire, and did absolutely nothing to redeem that travesty. And I’m not counting Last Samurai, which made him possibly more of an asshole than he already was. He might as well have just given the Academy blowjobs or something.

Congratulations, Tom Cruise, you’re a total asshole. And since you’re the first I’m measuring everyone after you against you. You’re the king of all assholes, Tom. Sit atop your throne of shit and bask in the assholery that is you.

Why I'm here

2006-01-08T20:46:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of assholes in the world, and they need to be pointed out by someone like me. Because really, who better to judge who the assholes of the world are than an asshole? Here are the criteria for declaring an asshole...

1. An asshole can be either male or female; assholes know no bounds.
2. The declared asshole does not have to be current but it would be preferable. If they are not currently an asshole, it has to be a big reason for calling them out on their assholeishness, for example, George Bush Senior has not currently done anything particularly assholey, but his past activities have been so asshole-y that it would only be fair to call him out on it.
3. Usually when one thinks of an 'asshole', a handful of archetypes come to mind. I primarily think of a collar-popping frat brother who gets wasted every weekend and adores Bob Marley because Greeks are oppressed too, man! And he can totally identify with Marley's lyrics, man! Holy shit, I hate guys like that. Anyway. Assholes are not limited to types like that. Bascially, an asshole is anyone who just acts like an ass, whether it be from jumping on Oprah's couch to being named Pat Robertson. Assholes are people who just act like shitheads, ie, anyone you or I don't like.

Now here are the rules for asshole declaration.
1. Suggestions are welcome, but if they're stupid, I won't accept them.
2. If suggested, declared assholes have to be someone that we all know who it is, so no, "MY UNCLE IS AN ASSHOLE CHOOSE HIM" or some shit like that.
3. Official Assholes will be delcared every Monday of the week unless noted otherwise. I'm, like, busy and stuff, and even though you readers might hang on every word, I have stuff to do like watch TV.
4. No whining over asshole declaration. I have an obvious political agenda and I hate a lot of people, so if someone you like is an asshole, then you're probably an asshole, too.

So bascially, this blog is about me hating on people who are more well-off than me because I am a bitter, jealous person. But still. It's only fair that assholes be called out on their bullshit.